| My Gran is the most amazing woman, and I know that most of my strength and determination come from her. She is strong-willed, independent, and fights for the people she loves. Her story is book worthy. She met my grandpa, when he was at home on leave from the Air Force. After one month, he was sent back overseas and he knew then they would be together forever. They have been married for 49 years. Neither of them missed a basketball game, school play, awards ceremony, softball game, piano recital, ballet recital, track meet, or anything else I ever did, and on top of that, i am only one of five of their grandchildren, all of which could say the same thing. In fact, Grandpa has it all on video! They took us all camping and fishing and built us a treehouse. They put up a basketball goal to help me and nick learn to play. They bought a go-cart for us to ride and tear up their yard. We spent every Friday night having slumber parties for 7 at their little house in Donelson. I worked in Colorado, and Gran bought my boots. she was taking chemo while i was gone and mailed me a teddy bear with a hat on it (since she wore a lot of hats during chemo), so that i could take her with me up all those mountains and to keep me from coming home to hold her hand during chemo treatments. She wrote me countless checks to pay for mission trips and gas money and clothes. She bought all of us lunch and dinner every chance she could just to sit and hear our hearts pour out. She listened when i was scared or upset about anything. She always steered us in the right direction and had a way of giving us back her confidence to replace our fears and doubts. She loves us all so much and would walk through fire for any of us. If she ever heard anyone say anything negative about us, she would probably give them a black eye. She trusts us and we trust her. She is part of me as I am part of her. She dedicated her life to raising her boys and so the Newmans emerged. Now there are so many of us, and she remembers all of our birthdays, knows everything going on with each of us, and loves us equally. the list: 1. Grandpa 2.David Newman 3. Marilyn Newman 4. Me 5. Dustin Newman 6. Tori (Dustin's fiance) 7. Mike Newman 8. Pam Newman 9. Nick Newman 10. Missy Newman 11. Emily Castle 12. Steve Castle 13. Caleb Castle 14. Brooke Castle 15. Josh Newman 16. Rachel Atchley That's a lot of people and a lot of things to remember. She was diagnosed with terminal cancer when i was 18. I will be 28 in one month. She had less than a 25% chance of surviving 5 years. She took more than one round of chemo that did not work and then she qualified for an experimental treatment that only worked for 10% of the patients in her study. It worked for her. She had multiple strokes because of the chemo and lost the use of her left arm and almost the use of her legs, but she kept fighting. She quit taking treatments not long ago because of the side effects and the fact that it stopped working. But she continued to enjoy her life. My Grandpa does everything for her and has every gadget you can imagine to make her life happier and easier. She is his life and so are we. Today was a great day. Although Gran cannot walk or sit for very long and she depends on others for even the simplest tasks of life, she still came to Thanksgiving Day and brought presents for Caleb and Brooke (the babies in our family). She ate and laughed and watched my brother ask Tori to marry him. Grandpa took her home and dad and i went with them to deliver food leftovers and pumpkin pie. I went to my apartment later with a bad feeling, so when grandpa called at 930pm because she was hurting and he didn't know what to do, I already had my shoes on. When I got to their house, I thought she was going to pass right in front of me. Grandpa called hospice and was running around trying to make her pain go away. It took some teamwork, several calls to hospice, 4 doses of morphine, a phone call to my dad, and the movie Miracle on 34th Street before she finally drifted off to sleep around 130 am. I have never been so thankful for studying pharmacology. I watched her be in so much pain and try to be brave for me. She has joked with me every day this week about dying and how each day we've cheered her up, and I told her that when I thought she was gonna die, I would tell her, but it wasn't today. I noticed tonight that she did not ask. She knows. And she knows that I know. At times like this a part of me wishes I could just be her granddaughter and not the Physician Assistant. Then I realize the granddaughter she helped raise that she loves and respects so much is a Physician Assistant. She worked very hard to make it possible for me to make it that far. I see my own accomplishments and I am proud of her for contributing so much effort to get me there. As i watched her body take a path that is so familiar to me medically, I saw her mind and heart more clearly than ever before. But it is the mind and heart that has always been there to pick me up, dust me off, and help me try again. Tonight and every day this week, we have all literally picked her up and dusted her off and helped her try again. Every member of our family has used their unique personalities this week to make her laugh and make her feel safe. But when it comes down to it, quality is more important than quantity. She has given me quality and quantity from the day i was born. Now we are running out of time. All I can offer her now is what i have and hope that it is enough. We know what she wants and it is now our turn to steer her in the right direction. For me, that means knowing what medications she needs, knowing when to call hospice, making sure my family is prepared, and making her as happy as I can in the moments she has left on this earth. I stood in her driveway at 1am this morning and told my dad the one thing i dread telling anyone. and i had to do it with grace, being his daughter, the PA, who believes Gran is a miracle that will be in heaven very soon, and the options we have need to be unselfish and leave her with who she is and has always been. Strong, independent, and beautiful. No hospitals, no technology, no acts to keep her alive and miserable because we aren't ready to let go. I love my family because we all want what is best for each other even if it means it hurts. We are on the same page in our relationships with God and our trust in each other. However, strength to say goodbye and help someone cross over from this life to the next is difficult, but good. It is an honor and a blessing to be the eyes someone looks in as they say goodbye to this earth. I have done it with patients and loved ones of close friends, but this is different. Gran can see straight through me. She knows me better than she knows herself. Tonight she saw me as she always does, and she is proud of me. But she knows I am out of options to save her from death, and that it's ok. I prayed for God to save her soul and he did. I prayed for God to do a miracle with her health because I needed to see it so that I would believe in Him. I prayed to be enough for her and everyone else so that more souls would stand at Heaven's gates when they open. Now I pray for God to let her leave this earth as my Gran. Beautiful, peaceful, strong, and the only thing holding her here is will all 16 of them have happy and blessed lives if I'm not here to make it happen? People ask her all the time how she is still enjoying life with all the medical problems she has to overcome. Her answer is always, "the good Lord must have something here he still wants me to do, and I'm not ready until he's done with me." That's what she taught me. That's how I feel too. She will be with me forever and I am so thankful for that. In everything I do in my profession for the rest of my life, I will hear her voice and see her face. And when it comes to my prayers for her and her prayers for me, they have been answered. My last prayer for her is that she slips into heaven with someone in the Newman army holding her hand and that she closes her eyes seeing us and opens them falling into the arms of God. She has served the Lord by loving us and protecting us from all that threatens our souls. And the floodgates of heaven have opened for her by making all of us who we are. Different in every way, but the core is the same. It is perfect love. And perfect love drives out all fear. She has gained everything.
-rachel |
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