2008
I haven't written a blog in a while because the outlet to regurgitate my day has become Jeremy. But, there have been so many events in the last 12 months, I just never had the time to write them down. I use this blog as an outlet for me. When you choose your profession based on your passion, it is overwhelming the emotions you experience and carry with you. Putting these blogs on myspace has been my way to unload them and prevent me from feeling all of them alone. Still, when I post something new, so many of you respond with encouragement and real understanding, it is addictive to seek that support. This is the list of moments of 2008 I will never forget.
1. New Year's Eve of 2007 when I found myself wiping a tear when the ball dropped, just glad I made it through. I realized in that moment my life would no longer be in just "survival mode" to get to the next day with no money, no tangible support, and a huge web of people who worked together in small ways to keep me whole. 2008 would be different.
2. My first day at my first job out of school where I found myself spending 30 minutes calculating the right dose for Tylenol in a 13 month old...it's on the back of the box...but knowing my prescription would be trusted as the guidance was scary....now I can do it in my sleep.
3. The baby I saw that was 18 months old that presented to the ED with his father, who swore the baby crawled in the oven to get the burns on the palms of his hands...you crawl with fingers not with palms...It was all I could do not to pick up that child and walk straight out the door to my car and drive away until there was no place further than his abusive parent...but I didn't. I held it together, called DHS, flew him to Vanderbilt, and included in the notes the potential for abuse. It was hard to let him out of my care and trust someone else to save him...but they did. He had an old skull fracture from 6 months before, which was enough to get him placed in foster care. God was watching...and he was placed with a wonderful Christian family who wanted a third child...they brought him to see us in the ER 3 months later. He is happy and safe, and will never remember the hell he experienced before age 2. Great moment.
1. New Year's Eve of 2007 when I found myself wiping a tear when the ball dropped, just glad I made it through. I realized in that moment my life would no longer be in just "survival mode" to get to the next day with no money, no tangible support, and a huge web of people who worked together in small ways to keep me whole. 2008 would be different.
2. My first day at my first job out of school where I found myself spending 30 minutes calculating the right dose for Tylenol in a 13 month old...it's on the back of the box...but knowing my prescription would be trusted as the guidance was scary....now I can do it in my sleep.
3. The baby I saw that was 18 months old that presented to the ED with his father, who swore the baby crawled in the oven to get the burns on the palms of his hands...you crawl with fingers not with palms...It was all I could do not to pick up that child and walk straight out the door to my car and drive away until there was no place further than his abusive parent...but I didn't. I held it together, called DHS, flew him to Vanderbilt, and included in the notes the potential for abuse. It was hard to let him out of my care and trust someone else to save him...but they did. He had an old skull fracture from 6 months before, which was enough to get him placed in foster care. God was watching...and he was placed with a wonderful Christian family who wanted a third child...they brought him to see us in the ER 3 months later. He is happy and safe, and will never remember the hell he experienced before age 2. Great moment.
4. The day I stood less than 20 feet from my brother as he vowed to be Tori's husband. He knows how difficult marriage is and in the man I saw across that church, there will always be the reflection of the 4 year-old he used to be running towards me and screaming "sissy, I love you!!" He does love me and over the last few years I have willingly passed the torch of being the woman in his life to someone I am convinced will protect him and challenge him better than he would ever need. It's hard to share a brother as wonderful as Dustin, but when I saw his face that day, I knew no one could ever love him the way Tori does.
5. I did compressions on a man for an hour knowing his wife was not far away praying for him to survive. It was sudden when he collapsed and he arrived to my ER in a reasonable amount of time. 15 ER staff, including one MD, another PA, tons of nurses and EMS, and housekeeping staff standing outside the door holding hands and praying...About 45 minutes into that hour, I felt something change...it's hard to describe, but if you've ever been with someone when their soul leaves their body, you know it. You still fight for them wondering if you are wrong, but it is an indescribable replacement of hope with peace. Then you change gears, you go through every phase of grief in a moment, and realize your patient is no longer on the table. Your patient is now the wife in the waiting room who just lost her husband...and you have to find it within your heart to let God have him and go to her. It is hard, but I trust myself to care for her more than anyone else because I know God will guide me. He will give me the words when He didn't give me the medical technology to just buy more time. It's ironic how hard you work for just one more moment for someone to live. I always wonder if I had just had more time, would it have been different. Then I feel the peace of death and time stands still until that wife has everything she needs from me. The truth her husband is gone. The tears that stream down my face for just a moment. Then the question, can I pray with your family....they always say yes because it is easy to listen to a prayer...it makes the gravity of the truth easier to bear...I could not tell you what I have said in any of these prayers. I can tell you I felt peace that is immortal and walked out of that room, took a deep breath, and went to see the next patient. It is hard. But it is an honor. I hope I never live to experience a death of one of my patients where that tear is not on my face.
5. I did compressions on a man for an hour knowing his wife was not far away praying for him to survive. It was sudden when he collapsed and he arrived to my ER in a reasonable amount of time. 15 ER staff, including one MD, another PA, tons of nurses and EMS, and housekeeping staff standing outside the door holding hands and praying...About 45 minutes into that hour, I felt something change...it's hard to describe, but if you've ever been with someone when their soul leaves their body, you know it. You still fight for them wondering if you are wrong, but it is an indescribable replacement of hope with peace. Then you change gears, you go through every phase of grief in a moment, and realize your patient is no longer on the table. Your patient is now the wife in the waiting room who just lost her husband...and you have to find it within your heart to let God have him and go to her. It is hard, but I trust myself to care for her more than anyone else because I know God will guide me. He will give me the words when He didn't give me the medical technology to just buy more time. It's ironic how hard you work for just one more moment for someone to live. I always wonder if I had just had more time, would it have been different. Then I feel the peace of death and time stands still until that wife has everything she needs from me. The truth her husband is gone. The tears that stream down my face for just a moment. Then the question, can I pray with your family....they always say yes because it is easy to listen to a prayer...it makes the gravity of the truth easier to bear...I could not tell you what I have said in any of these prayers. I can tell you I felt peace that is immortal and walked out of that room, took a deep breath, and went to see the next patient. It is hard. But it is an honor. I hope I never live to experience a death of one of my patients where that tear is not on my face.
6. The day I tried on my wedding gown at the store and Caleb (age 5) stood next to me in the mirror. They dimmed the lights to give the "full effect". And Caleb said, "Rachel you look so beautiful, like when the sun is setting." I remember the day Caleb was born and I held him 30 minutes after he arrived. I could not imagine loving any child more than him, although everyone says I will when I have my own, nothing will ever replace that moment. Emily told me she was a little sad we were not pregnant together. I smiled at her across that hospital room and said, "Your kids will be in my wedding, and I can't wait for that day." They will be on May 22nd.
7. In 2007, I babysat Brooke, just me and her, so Caleb and Emily could go to the zoo. She reminds me so much of Emily its crazy. But that day I noticed one little thing about her that was like me. She was sick that day and I rocked her for an hour. When she finally gave in to exhaustion, she rubbed her feet together before she went to sleep. I do that. I have never met anyone else that does that. I'm sure they do, but it was a moment.
7. In 2007, I babysat Brooke, just me and her, so Caleb and Emily could go to the zoo. She reminds me so much of Emily its crazy. But that day I noticed one little thing about her that was like me. She was sick that day and I rocked her for an hour. When she finally gave in to exhaustion, she rubbed her feet together before she went to sleep. I do that. I have never met anyone else that does that. I'm sure they do, but it was a moment.
Psalm 124
1 If the LORD had not been on our side—
let Israel say—
2 if the LORD had not been on our side
when people attacked us,
3 they would have swallowed us alive
when their anger flared against us;
4 the flood would have engulfed us,
the torrent would have swept over us,
5 the raging waters
would have swept us away.
6 Praise be to the LORD,
who has not let us be torn by their teeth.
7 We have escaped like a bird
from the fowler’s snare;
the snare has been broken,
and we have escaped.
8 Our help is in the name of the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
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