may 24th, 2000. 520pm (what i was thinking on this day)
well i'm on the plane! and im all alone. and here come the tears. maybe this was a bad decison. but i am convinced that God wants me to do this. It was hard to leave my family, but i feel called to do this. i know god is working on me right now. wait... the stewardess is calling my name... ok, i'm back. she brought me a care package from leslie. just in time to make me laugh enough to not really cry alone on the plane. she was not at the gate bc she was late. but apparently she was persuasive with the stewardess that i needed this little bag of goodies. she was right. contents of bag: sundrop, animal crackers, gum, and a picture of me and leslie in a snow globe on a mountain last summer. well i can't keep crying now. imagine leslie conning delta airlines at the gate in an urgent manner about what her friend "needs". now i am ready. in the air. no going back.
august of 2002... Mt. rinker. (what was in my head that day)
i'm standin on top of mt rinker listening to lauren gingles on the walkie talkie trying to talk to every staff member we have on trail...wondering if they made their summit and wanting to make them laugh. she is on mt hope. just one valley between us. our groups are drinkin root beer and takin pictures, celebrating as if they have already forgotten how hard it was to get up here and the number of times they begged me to let them quit. i stepped away just far enough to climb down to check the clouds on the other side of rinker where other groups are climbing mt elbert. and it just hit me. this is my last mountain. for three summers i have hidden out here in the safety of this job where the only thing i have to do is help kids see God. then lauren's voice interrupts my thoughts. "rach, i can see you! can you see me!" such a fun game to play when there is at least 40 miles between us. all i could say was , "lauren, i dont think i'm ready to let this part of me go." i sat down and tears rolled down my face. Her next words stuck with me forever. "rachel newman, you are more than ready. God has bigger mountains waiting for you and more miracles to show you than you even know. you're not letting any part of you go, you're just adding another chapter and it's gonna be great!" so i got up, wiped my eyes, and said goodbye to mt rinker and every other mountain that had been my refuge the last 3 summers.
the point: the fear i felt on the plane in may of 2000 was the same fear i felt in august of 2002. "am i ready?". the truth is i was always ready. God makes us ready for everything. then he spends our lifetime convincing us he is right: for a second i wanted to get off that plane and run back to my parents at the gate and say, i can't do this. and 3 summers later, for a second i stood on mt rinker not wanting to ever leave. it's not the task before us that makes us scared. it's the possibility we may not be worthy to undertake it.
that is why i have that quote "i demolish my bridges behind me, so there is no choice but forward."
and lauren and leslie are the two friends who will never let me doubt myself. the way they do it, is by never allowing me to doubt god. which always makes the apprehensive moments go by so much faster!
micah 6: 8 "...And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."
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