Protection from what threatens.....

11/22/07—Thanksgiving Day My Gran is the most amazing woman, and I know that most of my strength and determination come from her. She is strong-willed, independent, and fights for the people she loves. Her story is book worthy. She met my grandpa, when he was at home on leave from the Air Force. After one month, he was sent back overseas and he knew then they would be together forever. They have been married for 49 years. Neither of them missed a basketball game, school play, awards ceremony, softball game, piano recital, ballet recital, track meet, or anything else I ever did, and on top of that, i am only one of five of their grandchildren, all of which could say the same thing. In fact, Grandpa has it all on video! They took us all camping and fishing and built us a treehouse. They put up a basketball goal to help me and nick learn to play. They bought a go-cart for us to ride and tear up their yard. We spent every Friday night having slumber parties for 7 at their little house in Donelson.  I worked in Colorado, and Gran bought my boots. she was taking chemo while i was gone and mailed me a teddy bear with a hat on it (since she wore a lot of hats during chemo), so that i could take her with me up all those mountains and to keep me from coming home to hold her hand during chemo treatments. She wrote me countless checks to pay for mission trips and gas money and clothes. She bought all of us lunch and dinner every chance she could just to sit and hear our hearts pour out. She listened when i was scared or upset about anything. She always steered us in the right direction and had a way of giving us  back her confidence to replace our fears and doubts. She loves us all so much and would walk through fire for any of us. If she ever heard anyone say anything negative about us, she would probably give them a black eye. She trusts us and we trust her. She is part of me as I am part of her. She dedicated her life to raising her boys and so the Newmans emerged. Now there are so many of us, and she remembers all of our birthdays, knows everything going on with each of us, and loves us equally. the list: 1. Grandpa 2.David Newman 3. Marilyn Newman 4. Me 5. Dustin Newman 6. Tori (Dustin's fiance) 7. Mike Newman 8. Pam Newman 9. Nick Newman 10. Missy Newman 11. Emily Castle 12. Steve Castle 13. Caleb Castle 14. Brooke Castle 15. Josh Newman 16. Rachel Atchley  That's a lot of people and a lot of things to remember. She was diagnosed with terminal cancer when i was 18. I will be 28 in one month. She had less than a 25% chance of surviving 5 years. She took more than one round of chemo that did not work and then she qualified for an experimental treatment that only worked for 10% of the patients in her study. It worked for her. She had multiple strokes because of the chemo and lost the use of her left arm and almost the use of her legs, but she kept fighting. She quit taking treatments not long ago because of the side effects and the fact that it stopped working. But she continued to enjoy her life. My Grandpa does everything for her and has every gadget you can imagine to make her life happier and easier. She is his life and so are we. Today was a great day. Although Gran cannot walk or sit for very long and she depends on others for even the simplest tasks of life, she still came to Thanksgiving Day and brought presents for Caleb and Brooke (the babies in our family). She ate and laughed and watched my brother ask Tori to marry him. Grandpa took her home and dad and i went with them to deliver food leftovers and pumpkin pie. I went to my apartment later with a bad feeling, so when grandpa called at 930pm because she was hurting and he didn't know what to do, I already had my shoes on. When I got to their house, I thought she was going to pass right in front of me. Grandpa called hospice and was running around trying to make her pain go away. It took some teamwork, several calls to hospice, 4 doses of morphine, a phone call to my dad, and the movie Miracle on 34th Street before she finally drifted off to sleep around 130 am. I have never been so thankful for studying pharmacology. I watched her be in so much pain and try to be brave for me. She has joked with me every day this week about dying and how each day we've cheered her up, and I told her that when I thought she was gonna die, I would tell her, but it wasn't today. I noticed tonight that she did not ask. She knows. And she knows that I know. At times like this a part of me wishes I could just be her granddaughter and not the Physician Assistant. Then I realize the granddaughter she helped raise that she loves and respects so much is a Physician Assistant. She worked very hard to make it possible for me to make it that far. I see my own accomplishments and I am proud of her for contributing so much effort to get me there. As i watched her body take a path that is so familiar to me medically, I saw her mind and heart more clearly than ever before. But it is the mind and heart that has always been there to pick me up, dust me off, and help me try again. Tonight and every day this week, we have all literally picked her up and dusted her off and helped her try again.  Every member of our family has used their unique personalities this week to make her laugh and make her feel safe. But when it comes down to it, quality is more important than quantity. She has given me quality and quantity from the day i was born. Now we are running out of time. All I can offer her now is what i have and hope that it is enough. We know what she wants and it is now our turn to steer her in the right direction. For me, that means knowing what medications she needs, knowing when to call hospice, making sure my family is prepared, and making her as happy as I can in the moments she has left on this earth. I stood in her driveway at 1am this morning and told my dad the one thing i dread telling anyone. and i had to do it with grace, being his daughter, the PA, who believes Gran is a miracle that will be in heaven very soon, and the options we have need to be unselfish and leave her with who she is and has always been. Strong, independent, and beautiful. No hospitals, no technology, no acts to keep her alive and miserable because we aren't ready to let go. I love my family because we all want what is best for each other even if it means it hurts. We are on the same page in our relationships with God and our trust in each other. However, strength to say goodbye and help someone cross over from this life to the next is difficult, but good. It is an honor and a blessing to be the eyes someone looks in as they say goodbye to this earth. I have done it with patients and loved ones of close friends, but this is different. Gran can see straight through me. She knows me better than she knows herself. Tonight she saw me as she always does, and she is proud of me. But she knows I am out of options to save her from death, and that it's ok. I prayed for God to save her soul and he did. I prayed for God to do a miracle with her health because I needed to see it so that I would believe in Him. I prayed to be enough for her and everyone else so that more souls would stand at Heaven's gates when they open. Now I pray for God to let her leave this earth as my Gran. Beautiful, peaceful, strong, and the only thing holding her here is will all 16 of them have happy and blessed lives if I'm not here to make it happen? People ask her all the time how she is still enjoying life with all the medical problems she has to overcome. Her answer is always, "the good Lord must have something here he still wants me to do, and I'm not ready until he's done with me."   That's what she taught me. That's how I feel too. She will be with me forever and I am so thankful for that. In everything I do in my profession for the rest of my life, I will hear her voice and see her face. And when it comes to my prayers for her and her prayers for me, they have been answered.   My last prayer for her is that she slips into heaven with someone in the Newman army holding her hand and that she closes her eyes seeing us and opens them falling into the arms of God. She has served the Lord by loving us and protecting us from all that threatens our souls. And the floodgates of heaven have opened for her by making all of us who we are. Different in every way, but the core is the same. It is perfect love. And perfect love drives out all fear. She has gained everything. -rachel         . Bottom of Form

Hope Under Water...

May 2nd, 2010

There is a part of me that absolutely hates sitting on my couch right now, knowing there are people out there with their safety in such jeopardy. I am definitely the "save the world" type. And I know Uncle Ted really "gets this" about me, so I hope he stays safe today as well. When I watch the news, I see the heartache and fear in people's eyes, and I want so badly to rescue them from that fear. It is a humbling relief to know that God can and will do the rescuing. Still, what am I supposed to do right now? What skills did he give me to use for his glory? Maybe it is just to type what my thoughts are...so I will do that until I get another assignment from Him.



Over that last 24 hours Nashville has experienced its biggest natural disaster in my lifetime. But I learned today that it happened in 1926, too! Now we have the technology and resources to know within minutes if all of our loved ones are safe...I would have been a nervous wreck in 1926!

I am really proud of Tony Trumphour, who last night took his duck hunting boat on a moment's notice to Lavergne, TN and rescued 5 people and 2 dogs...saved their lives...risked his own...was completely protected by God. So then I told Jeremy that we need a boat! And we need to be more like Tony T....

I walked around our condo with Lucy in the rain just checking on the structure...we found a couple of flaws, but all in all, a very safe place even in the worst flood Nashville has seen in a while...good choice on purchase...thank you God for leading us to this place.

All of my family and friends are safe. Even Leslie and Lance who just bought a house and moved yesterday into what turned out to be one of the most dangerous places to be in the flood! They are warm, dry, and happily organizing new closets with lots of help and just praying the waters don't rise anymore. Turns out it was great they planned ahead and had everything packed and ready before this weekend...

Then I watched the news and realized that I drove beneath I-24 at Bell Road 4 times before it went underwater. The last time was coming home from Allison Ashley's house around noon on Saturday May 1st...at 3:30pm...we watched a house/portable (from Lighthouse Christian) literally crumble on live coverage in almost the exact place I was less than 4 hours before...Thank you, Lord, that I came straight home and didn't stop at Starbucks or try to run a couple of errands while I was out...came home so I could tackle errands with Jeremy's company, instead of by myself...Thank you God for such a great husband..who enjoys "Rachel errands" and "Rachel to-do lists".





Also, Big D was scheduled to drive the church bus today...obviously did not watch the news before leaving the house around 7am to run the route. He picked up "Chuck" who actually called after he had left worried about Dad's safety and curious if he would get to go to church today...Mom informed Chuck Big D was on his way... When Big D and Chuck got to church (Madison Church of Christ) parking lot was under water, and about 20 people there wondering about service...Now those are the most committed church of christ 'ers I have ever seen. Or, they, like Big D did not flip on the news before leaving the house. Normally our church services have between 700 and 1000 people there...

Best conversation was with little Brooke Castle, on how her swing set was OK except for the big stump under it, but as for the people with rafts in the creek behind her house..."that is not a vewwy smattt ideeeeaaa!!!"-How is a 3 year-old smarter than a teenager with a blown up float?? She is very advanced for her age...

Regardless of what the next few days bring, there is a song by Casting Crowns called "Praise you in this Storm" that keeps running through my mind...

Dear God, please give us the strength and wisdom to see your face and do your work always, and let the floodgates of heaven pour out so much blessing that we will not have room enough for it....may we see the rain as you see it, and know that you are there, just like you were there 2 days ago in the sunshine...

Please teach me to have these conversations with you in sunshine as often as I do when it rains.....
-Rachel

2008...LEARNING ULTRASOUNDS

I started working at a clinic this month that has predominantly Hispanic patients. I have never been pregnant and don't truly understand what it would be like to be faced with the autonomy to legally end another life. I know there are exceptions and situations that have such extenuating circumstances where no one would fault someone for choosing to abort. But those are rare and a small percentage. I have always been against abortion. If you read this and you have aborted a child, you may find this hard to read. I have listened to those who chose abortion and later regretted it. But in the lonely dark days of an unwanted pregnancy, I have listened to friends and patients be fearful. How will they afford this child? They will never get promoted at work, especially if their child is sick. Most women with supportive spouses or families don't have those fears. Have we made it impossible for a single mother to succeed at being a mother? Is the only option for her opportunity of success to murder her own flesh and blood, and move on like nothing happened? Where are the male counterparts who created these children? There are a host of babies in heaven who did not make it past the womb and God holds them in His arms anyway. But the destruction of the one with the empty womb causes an insurmountable challenge for her to be whole and fulfilled again. If you went down the road to abortion, I apologize. I apologize for not being there to support you. I apologize for anyone who contributed to the helplessness and defeat you felt so strongly that you had no other option you could fathom but abortion. Our society failed you.

My passion about this issue deepened last week when I learned how to do OB ultrasounds. The clinic I work in is mostly self-pay. The physician I work for makes a lot less money than he could, but is committed to serving the underserved. He does OB ultrasounds to break up his day a little and give some light in his perspective of caring for the poor. Earlier than 12 weeks, you can see the heart, all 4 chambers. You can measure the femur and you can see the nose. You can see the spine and the hands. That baby bounces around if you apply a little pressure as if to say, "Really? Didn't you know I am living here right now?"

How can you even consider ending this innocence and confidence fostered and thriving in your abdomen? Unless you are so misinformed and lied to that you don't even know they are really there. I wish I could make every high school student watch a live ultrasound and watch the mother's face when she looks at her child for the first time...the financial stress and fear of welfare or worse seems to fade from her face...and all of the sudden their only question is, "Is it ok?". Because that is the heart of every mother. Why would we discourage that? And why would we deceive them that that baby is anything less than their miracle to experience?

I vote republican. And although they are not perfect in any way and frustrate me on a lot of levels, they stand firm in supporting a baby's right to meet their mother face to face. Democrats do not. They believe in the most vulnerable and emotional time in a woman's life where she is fearful and overwhelmed, we should yell at her to remember her right to choose death. The loudest bark is always heard, but that bark doesn't seem very effective at drying the tears of women who regret the emptying of their womb.

Maybe if we gave them more support, they wouldn't feel so pressured to make such a devastating decision...It is as much on our heads as it is theirs...We voted for it. And let others vote without barking loud enough for what was really right.

5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, 
       before you were born I set you apart; 
       I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." Isaiah 1:5

2008....MOMENTS...YEAR IN REVIEW

2008

Moments

I haven't written a blog in a while because the outlet to regurgitate my day has become Jeremy. But, there have been so many events in the last 12 months, I just never had the time to write them down. I use this blog as an outlet for me. When you choose your profession based on your passion, it is overwhelming the emotions you experience and carry with you. Putting these blogs on myspace has been my way to unload them and prevent me from feeling all of them alone. Still, when I post something new, so many of you respond with encouragement and real understanding, it is addictive to seek that support. This is the list of moments of 2008 I will never forget.
1. New Year's Eve of 2007 when I found myself wiping a tear when the ball dropped, just glad I made it through. I realized in that moment my life would no longer be in just "survival mode" to get to the next day with no money, no tangible support, and a huge web of people who worked together in small ways to keep me whole. 2008 would be different.
2. My first day at my first job out of school where I found myself spending 30 minutes calculating the right dose for Tylenol in a 13 month old...it's on the back of the box...but knowing my prescription would be trusted as the guidance was scary....now I can do it in my sleep.
3. The baby I saw that was 18 months old that presented to the ED with his father, who swore the baby crawled in the oven to get the burns on the palms of his hands...you crawl with fingers not with palms...It was all I could do not to pick up that child and walk straight out the door to my car and drive away until there was no place further than his abusive parent...but I didn't. I held it together, called DHS, flew him to Vanderbilt, and included in the notes the potential for abuse. It was hard to let him out of my care and trust someone else to save him...but they did. He had an old skull fracture from 6 months before, which was enough to get him placed in foster care. God was watching...and he was placed with a wonderful Christian family who wanted a third child...they brought him to see us in the ER 3 months later. He is happy and safe, and will never remember the hell he experienced before age 2. Great moment. 

4. The day I stood less than 20 feet from my brother as he vowed to be Tori's husband. He knows how difficult marriage is and in the man I saw across that church, there will always be the reflection of the 4 year-old he used to be running towards me and screaming "sissy, I love you!!" He does love me and over the last few years I have willingly passed the torch of being the woman in his life to someone I am convinced will protect him and challenge him better than he would ever need. It's hard to share a brother as wonderful as Dustin, but when I saw his face that day, I knew no one could ever love him the way Tori does. 
5. I did compressions on a man for an hour knowing his wife was not far away praying for him to survive. It was sudden when he collapsed and he arrived to my ER in a reasonable amount of time. 15 ER staff, including one MD, another PA, tons of nurses and EMS, and housekeeping staff standing outside the door holding hands and praying...About 45 minutes into that hour, I felt something change...it's hard to describe, but if you've ever been with someone when their soul leaves their body, you know it. You still fight for them wondering if you are wrong, but it is an indescribable replacement of hope with peace. Then you change gears, you go through every phase of grief in a moment, and realize your patient is no longer on the table. Your patient is now the wife in the waiting room who just lost her husband...and you have to find it within your heart to let God have him and go to her. It is hard, but I trust myself to care for her more than anyone else because I know God will guide me. He will give me the words when He didn't give me the medical technology to just buy more time. It's ironic how hard you work for just one more moment for someone to live. I always wonder if I had just had more time, would it have been different. Then I feel the peace of death and time stands still until that wife has everything she needs from me. The truth her husband is gone. The tears that stream down my face for just a moment. Then the question, can I pray with your family....they always say yes because it is easy to listen to a prayer...it makes the gravity of the truth easier to bear...I could not tell you what I have said in any of these prayers. I can tell you I felt peace that is immortal and walked out of that room, took a deep breath, and went to see the next patient. It is hard. But it is an honor. I hope I never live to experience a death of one of my patients where that tear is not on my face.

6. The day I tried on my wedding gown at the store and Caleb (age 5) stood next to me in the mirror. They dimmed the lights to give the "full effect". And Caleb said, "Rachel you look so beautiful, like when the sun is setting." I remember the day Caleb was born and I held him 30 minutes after he arrived. I could not imagine loving any child more than him, although everyone says I will when I have my own, nothing will ever replace that moment. Emily told me she was a little sad we were not pregnant together. I smiled at her across that hospital room and said, "Your kids will be in my wedding, and I can't wait for that day." They will be on May 22nd.
7. In 2007, I babysat Brooke, just me and her, so Caleb and Emily could go to the zoo. She reminds me so much of Emily its crazy. But that day I noticed one little thing about her that was like me. She was sick that day and I rocked her for an hour. When she finally gave in to exhaustion, she rubbed her feet together before she went to sleep. I do that. I have never met anyone else that does that. I'm sure they do, but it was a moment. 

Psalm 124

 ¹ If the LORD had not been on our side—
   let Israel say—
² if the LORD had not been on our side
   when people attacked us,
³ they would have swallowed us alive
   when their anger flared against us;
⁴ the flood would have engulfed us,
   the torrent would have swept over us,
⁵ the raging waters
   would have swept us away.
 ⁶ Praise be to the LORD,
   who has not let us be torn by their teeth.
⁷ We have escaped like a bird
   from the fowler’s snare;
the snare has been broken,
   and we have escaped. 
⁸ Our help is in the name of the LORD,
   the Maker of heaven and earth.

leslie and lauren....

as i am waiting for my job to start, i have an amazing amount of time to tell stories. this one is an old one.
may 24th, 2000. 520pm (what i was thinking on this day)
well i'm on the plane! and im all alone. and here come the tears. maybe this was a bad decison. but i am convinced that God wants me to do this. It was hard to leave my family, but i feel called to do this. i know god is working on me right now. wait... the stewardess is calling my name... ok, i'm back. she brought me a care package from leslie. just in time to make me laugh enough to not really cry alone on the plane. she was not at the gate bc she was late. but apparently she was persuasive with the stewardess that i needed this little bag of goodies. she was right. contents of bag: sundrop, animal crackers, gum, and a picture of me and leslie in a snow globe on a mountain last summer. well i can't keep crying now. imagine leslie conning delta airlines at the gate in an urgent manner about what her friend "needs". now i am ready. in the air. no going back.

august of 2002... Mt. rinker. (what was in my head that day)
i'm standin on top of mt rinker listening to lauren gingles on the walkie talkie trying to talk to every staff member we have on trail...wondering if they made their summit and wanting to make them laugh. she is on mt hope. just one valley between us. our groups are drinkin root beer and takin pictures, celebrating as if they have already forgotten how hard it was to get up here and the number of times they begged me to let them quit. i stepped away just far enough to climb down to check the clouds on the other side of rinker where other groups are climbing mt elbert. and it just hit me. this is my last mountain. for three summers i have hidden out here in the safety of this job where the only thing i have to do is help kids see God. then lauren's voice interrupts my thoughts. "rach, i can see you! can you see me!" such a fun game to play when there is at least 40 miles between us. all i could say was , "lauren, i dont think i'm ready to let this part of me go." i sat down and tears rolled down my face. Her next words stuck with me forever. "rachel newman, you are more than ready. God has bigger mountains waiting for you and more miracles to show you than you even know. you're not letting any part of you go, you're just adding another chapter and it's gonna be great!" so i got up, wiped my eyes, and said goodbye to mt rinker and every other mountain that had been my refuge the last 3 summers.
the point: the fear i felt on the plane in may of 2000 was the same fear i felt in august of 2002. "am i ready?". the truth is i was always ready. God makes us ready for everything. then he spends our lifetime convincing us he is right: for a second i wanted to get off that plane and run back to my parents at the gate and say, i can't do this. and 3 summers later, for a second i stood on mt rinker not wanting to ever leave. it's not the task before us that makes us scared. it's the possibility we may not be worthy to undertake it.
that is why i have that quote "i demolish my bridges behind me, so there is no choice but forward."
and lauren and leslie are the two friends who will never let me doubt myself. the way they do it, is by never allowing me to doubt god. which always makes the apprehensive moments go by so much faster!
micah 6: 8 "...And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

The Children waiting for us....

This is another story I wrote a long time ago, but when I read it now, it is a little different. I know when you read it, you will judge the biological mother of the child in this story, but at least her daughter had the chance to cry out for her own help. It is a really funny story if you can picture me in another country without my luggage....

I was in Romania on a mission trip my senior year in high school.The purpose of the trip was to raise support for Christian programs giving aid to Romanian orphanages by paying the salaries of Christian women to care for these abandoned babies. 4 mission team members total. We were allowed in the orphanages to see the progress that had been made and with that info, hopefully be able to raise more support back in the states. I was 17 years old and in Romania in December and was the only person whose bags got lost in Atlanta. Imagine a 17yo girl whois approx 6ft. tall who arrived in Romania with her bible, journal, CD player, and snacks. I had even checked my coat! I ended up spending 8 days in Romania without my "stuff". Learning to be low maintenance can be funny. When we entered the orphanage in Arad, Romania, it was day 3 of our trip. We were given a tour and instructed not to cry or we would get kicked off the tour. (Not good for babies to see us breakdown because they are orphans). Among the 50 kids I met that day, I met an 18 month old little girl. She was fiesty and she had the cutest bald head. I wanted to take a picture with her for my mom because I was that bald at 18mos, too. That's when I saw this awful scar on the back of her head. I asked about it and was told that she was born and thrown into a dumpster (which is common there). Dogs are also very common. A mama dog with puppies found her and dragged her around by the head and nursed her for approx 3 days. Someone heard the baby crying in an alley and wrestled her away from the dog and took her to the hospital. She was mostly dead and severely dehydrated and only 3 or 4 days old. The doctors did not understand how she could have cried for someone to hear her. They stitched the terrible wound on her head from the dog and called the orphanage. A few weeks later, no infection, no disease, and a blue-eyed healthy baby girl with stitches was in a Christian orphanage. Shewill always bear the scar, but it will be covered when she gets hair. Because of the scar, her story will stay with her the rest of her life.

I cannot put into words how badly I wanted to take those kids home with me in my backpack! That was 14 years ago, but I see her in my arms like it was last week. It was one of the first miracles I saw in real life. Now I can say that I've seen countless.

We pray for God to do the "unexplainable" so that the world may see Him the way we do.

In the meantime, God is making angels out of even dirty and diseased dogs in Romania.

Micah 6:8 "He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. 

   And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
   and to walk humbly with your God."

Tithing with your socks

This is an old story...but a good one for why you should give away your socks...It was originally an email, and I still refuse to change the story from when I typed it in 2003....stick with what works... Subject:

What's hard about Honduras for you?

I need to give a better answer to the question of what my hardest challenge was my first trip to Honduras... In the meeting, I said I didn't know what was hard and went on to say a bunch of stuff i don't really remember. Today i was talking to a friend of mine and realized what's hard, so I guess I will just have to tell you now.....

The first year I went to Honduras, I had no idea what to really expect. Each day was a whirlwind of events and honestly, I just tried to survive it. I do want to tell you the story of my weakest, most frustrating moment. In my mind, we were somewhere in the middle of nowhere, and the biggest thing I remember was the millions of steps it took to get the the smallest church I have ever seen and the lack of bathroom facilities.

I was supposed to be a "pharmacy person" that day and still rather clueless as to what to do. I spoke literally NO Spanish. It was around 1:00pm and the line of patients outside and down the stairs was more than overwhelming. It was so hot I felt sick. It seemed like everyone needed something and there was nothing I was doing that helped. Every prescription I filled I needed help on and no one seemed to be in a good mood. The Honduran kids were terrible to deal with that day, and even the people who never complained were frustrated already. I was about to reach a low point and wanted to just be at home in the states with people I could talk to (in English). On top of everything, I had to go to the bathroom and as mentioned earlier, in terms of facilities, there was a lack thereof. I needed some air.

I went outside feeling unneeded, unwanted, useless, stupid, and weak. I hate to be weak. I sat down on the dirt next to the steps hoping for something, but I didn't know what, maybe a teleportation.

Whit and Linnea (2 American high school kids)were outside too, attempting to teach VBS material.... There was a Honduran man out there preaching with church flyers in his hand. The line of sick patients was ridiculously growing longer and I began to realize that a lot of those people would not get seen that day. I knew we weren't coming back. I almost started crying. All I could think about was, "why had I come here?" The picture I was living in at that moment redefined the phrase "God-forsaken country". Then I saw this old man about 12 steps down from me, sitting down. He looked terrible. He was dirty, without teeth,and his shoes were more holes than shoes. His feet had cuts and scrapes that I knew would never really heal. He had no socks and his ankles were so swollen, they looked like they had been broken more than once. He'd already come up so many steps, I couldn't believe he'd made it that far. It was just the icing on my cake at my own little pity party I was having for myself about everything that's wrong with the world that is seemingly out of my control.

To be completely honest, I was disappointed when he spotted me in my scrubs. They think we're all doctors, and I knew he would ask me for help. Not only would I not be able to give it, but I wouldn't even be able to talk to him at all! No spanish. I'm crying now just remembering. He looked at me and started asking me questions and pointing to his ankles and feet. Whit tried to translate, but the man had no teeth. I was so frustrated with everything, and I know I snapped at Whit for not understanding. We all just sat there....in the dirt... It was a defining moment for me.

I told the man not to move. I went in the clinic/church (which I affectionately remember as the shoebox) and found two ace bandages. I asked Dr. George for some strong ibuprofen for the man. Dr. George did hesitate at first, but I'm sure the expression on my face deterred him from asking why this man didn't have to wait in line. I got a package of baby wipes and a waterbottle. and I went back out. This day could not get any worse...back to the man in the dirt....the only person I had met that day that needed me....and he would get the best I had right then.

I sat down on the steps in front of this really old man and washed off his feet. I felt ashamed of myself and I tried to sniff back my tears, but it was too late. I wrapped up both ankles as good as I could with the ace bandages. I took off my clean, white socks and put them on his feet and put his holey shoes back on. I asked Whit to translate to tell him how often to take the ibuprofen, but Whit couldn't because he was starting to cry a little, too. Then I looked up at the people around me that were in chaos 10 minutes before. The Honduran preacher was there with us and everyone had stopped in line to watch me. Even the kids were being still. Tears were rolling down my face and I wanted to crawl in hole for all the socks and shoes I knew were in my house at home. I was humbled beyond my imagination. The man told me his name and pointed to the sky trying to talk to me about God. He blessed me over and over and had tears in his eyes of gratitude. But I didn't understand his words... don't forget that he didn't have any teeth....

The preacher and Whit finally understood and told me what he was saying. But I was crying and sniffelling too hard to say much back. Whit told himwhy we were there as best he could...to spread the love of God... The man wrote his name down on one of those flyers and gave it to me. I still have it. He started to walk back down those millions of stairs. I couldn't even watch him. Whit and I bonded that day. I knew to everyone watching I had done something really great. But I felt sick inside because 15 minutes before I had been selfish and childish enough to want to go home and run from all the opportunities I had there to bring glory to God...I almost missed it...

That's the great thing about God. He doesn't mind how weak we are. In our lowest, most difficult moments, he defines himself in us. That day, God gave me a small taste of all the crap Jesus must have seen when he walked among us. That day ended up being my best day in Honduras. After that, I stayed outside. The kids just followed me around. Mrs. Lindsay always tells a story about the day I taught all the kids even though I didn't speak any Spanish. It embarrasses me when she tells it, because I remember why I first went outside. That all happened the same day. I think about all of that when I don't really want to pack meds or I don't want to sing anymore Spanish songs. I think about it when I'm tired of soliciting medical supplies from rich pharmaceutical companies or rushing to meeting at 8:30pm only to get done at 11:00pm and have to get the next day for school or work. It reminds me that I am not entitled. But, I have been given much. And too much is given, much is required. It is in our weakest moments that either God or Satan make a mark on the world with us. It can either end up really scary and depressing or really amazing and motivating. I'm sorry this was so long, but that's what I think is hard about going to Honduras. The same stuff that makes it hard, also makes it worth it,which makes it great.

But the hardest part is hearing God above my own selfishness and then acting on it. And my selfishness can get really loud. But, I now believe you can even tithe with the socks you are wearing.... and that can be enough.... -rachel

Malachi 3:10 "Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the Lord Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have enough room for it."

VVCC

In my efforts to enjoy my days off that sometimes seem sporadic, I found myself at Valley View for day camp week. Although my cousin's children played a big role in me getting there, I must admit that any day at camp is always a great one for me. It was really fun to see kids learn how to swim and just to run around with them enjoying the playground that our church continues to provide.