Someone once told me that my mission in life should be where my deep passion and the world's deep hunger meet. In the beginning of anything, something else has just ended. And i find myself kicking and screaming at any beginning and end. Maybe it's because the middle is always filled with good and bad, and even if the bad outweighs the good, i still have a hard time letting anything good end, even if it was just a glimpse of what it could have been. The hardest part about being so optimistic is the disappointment that seems to always follow. Like how easy it is to be in another country that is poor, where every detail of who you are is pushed and stretched and you become something only God knew you could be. Then you come home and wonder what happened to that person and why did they not come home with you? I hate it. And i don't understand how to be that person all the time. Maybe it's because vulnerability is such difficult task for those who are never hungry and even if they were, they would never admit it. Why do we live in a place where it's a negative thing to ever depend on anyone else? Even when most of us finally ask for help, we apologize and are constantly trying to even the score somehow. We don't want to owe anyone anything. We refuse to be weak, and we fight so hard to disguise that we are all human and need so much more than we realize. This is my problem. The constant circus of trying to earn everything when there is really no need. Doesn't God own everything? And doesn't he have me written on his hand? Still, I am so frustrated with those that walk around with a sense of entitlement that usually is preceded be laziness. It was nice to do things for free for the poor and have them just be grateful. They can't pay me back, and they know the only reason I did what i did is because my faith in God is not limited to evening up the score between me and God or me and anybody else. I will never get what i really deserve and i'm really glad because i know the gates of hell would welcome me with open arms. with humility and on my knees I am grateful this earth will be the closest i ever get to the gates of hell. Although i am very proud of our country and believe in my heart God blesses the US on purpose, I fear there will be far more poor people in heaven from so called God-forsaken countries than there will be from where we live. We make it so much harder for each other. I do it every day, and I have no excuse. We may not need food or shelter or money or healthcare, and we definitely have warm places to sleep and plenty to entertain us, but how much do we hide behind all of those things hoping and praying no one will see our vulnerabilities or vices? More importantly, why? In poverty, nothing is clear, but there is plenty of room for miracles. the next meal is a miracle. In the land of opportunity, the clearest thing is where to get in line for the rat race, how to take care of yourself, and the underlying message that do-it-yourself is the only attitude that is truly respected. This obviously doesn't apply to everyone, but it is a struggle to not fall into a place where miracles are difficult to see because too many people are willing to take credit for their own hard work. "if i speak in tongues of men and of angels but have not love, i am nothing but a resounding gong or clanging cymbal. If i have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if i have faith that can move mountains, but have not love, i am nothing. if i give all i possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, i gain nothing." I cor 13 I never understood this verse when i was young because i thought it was saying something else. now that i know what love really means, i understand. the things we respect in each other in society are knowledge, intelligence, work ethic, and self-sacrifice for the improvement of ourselves and others. but why do we strive to achieve things in these categories? Ideally we would be doing it to show the unfailing love of God to the vast number of souls who do not know him. If we take credit for everything and believe it had anything to do with us, then why would we ever recognize God's love for us? and if we don't recognize it, how will everyone who doesn't know God ever meet him? The biggest superpower in the world and i live in the middle of it. and i've traveled all over the world. every time i come home i face the dim reality that we may be winning every race there is and we may be helping more poor than we can count, we may be moving mountains and fathoming all mysteries. and we all know there are plenty of bodies being surrendered to the flames to protect us and give freedom to others. but if we don't enter the race of how many souls will stand at heaven's gates with us, then we have gained nothing.
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